Reporter at Large: American Fragments

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Every one of your sexual experiences is just the universe pleasuring itself.

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In the US everyone speaks English you might have to regulate your language, and wear Bob Marley t-shirts at all time to convince people that you are cool. I moved from couch to couch for five weeks, 50 pound teal suitcase behind me filled with dirty clothes, and grateful to anyone who would let me do laundry at their house. My arms looked like a dirt-stricken Arm & Hammer bicep without the muscles, I was like a horny tide pod. What would Billy Mays think of all of this? Sometimes I wished somebody would just put me in the washing machine so I could watch the world rotate through a fisheye lens. I forgot three toothbrushes. One in New York, one in Vermont and one in Atlanta. It feels bad to have to ask someone for a toothbrush for the fourth time.

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Doxastic Voluntarism. Do you even believe in belief?

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Flight story #1: On my flight back to China it was hilariously obvious how much the American flight attendants loathed Chinese people. An older man helped himself to some hot water from the pitcher, one flight attendant screamed at him “No! What are you doing? That water is only for the first class passengers!” He and I had a good laugh at her expense. She had no idea what she was in for. Someone’s water bottle was open in the overhead compartment and it dripped water from the ceiling down onto the floor for the whole fourteen hour flight. Needless to say, I was happy to be back.

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“Every time I bring acid through TSA I put it in this book. I’ve never read it, but I feel like it’s definitely good luck” -actual quote from an unnamed member of the friend group.

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Ketel One and Kirkland brand vodka are the same, drawn from the same stream, using the same distillation process #realnews.

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My neuroticism must be so hilarious to everyone around me, so funny from a distance, that it obscures how overwhelming it must be to anyone close to me. I feel like I’m playing the neurotic character in my own poorly adapted stage production. It manifests itself most when traveling, where I play the character of myself rather than the actual embodiment of myself. As simultaneously someone who needs to constantly be the center of attention, but is also terrified whenever I am the center of attention. Playing a caricature of yourself is like a game of curling with the mask of sanity, carefully plotting course so that it doesn’t slip too far to one side or the other. I doubt anyone saw it slip, but sometimes I wish they would, mostly I just sat around waiting for you to call me but knowing you never would.

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I won’t ever be able to walk past any game of jenga without having to restrain myself from knocking all of the blocks over.

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Back to the neuroticism. There is no better way to realize how many different characters you play than visiting the people who know you, all overlapping, destroying and rebuilding themselves. SSSSSkkkkrt.

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If I was a superhero I would be Catman, and my superpowers would be being selfish and occasionally asking for belly rubs.

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I’ve been having terrifying nightmares almost every night since I got back.

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when I first moved into my new apartment I hung up a pair of jeans outside because they weren’t all the way dry yet and they fell down four stories and I lost them. They were my favorite pair. How could one person be so bad at laundry?

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Two stories about New York

  1. I was in a bar bathroom, and the stall was really short, like if someone was pissing you could see their face, and maybe their neck. There was this really tall European guy we met at the bar, when I walked in the bathroom his phone was on the top of the stall, on the divider, and he was leaning over it doing a line.
  2. I was at my friends place and this woman in just her underwear answered the door. She gave me a big hug, and offered me some hash. She told me she was a dancer. She had a pretty interesting life, when I hit the pen, I went totally west. I asked her if she wished someone could just disappear tomorrow who would it be. She said her Father’s friend. She has broken his windshield five different times. That’s a lot of broken glass.

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Ted Bunny and George W. Bush were switched at birth #realnews

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John Oliver’s tv show is a secret psyop by the CIA #realnews

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Flight story #2

During a period of intense turbulence I woke up from a slumber to an announcement telling everyone to fasten their seatbelts. It was the third one in a period of five minutes. I wondered why. There was a line of about twenty Chinese people standing in the aisle waiting to use the bathroom ignoring the fasten seat belt sign. It was surrealism at its finest.

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We’re happy to be back

-Lukey

By | 2018-05-22T10:28:14+00:00 April 3rd, 2018|Uncategorized|0 Comments

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